Moments I regret

I try very hard not to think about my past. Not that it's particularly dark and edgy, I just find very little usefulness in thinking about it. I don't like my past, I don't like who I was, and I don't like feeling tied down to something unsavory.

Sometimes, though, I think about moments in time that I would change, if I could. I'd like to share a few for the irony, knowing what I know now.

My freshman year of high school, I had just gotten a really bad crush out of my system. I hadn't thought of it as a crush, because, after all, she was a girl, but now I know better. I wanted so badly to have her approval, to be like her, to be close to her.

I was a theatre dork, and started spending more time with the theatre crowd and less time with the crowd that my crush ran in. So, I stopped crushing on her. Simple as that. Anyhow, one of my theatre friends came out as bisexual. I saw it as a complete non-issue, to be honest. I was like, "Okay, whatevs. Wanna run lines?"


During a break in rehearsal, I was sprawled out on a couch, laying across the whole damn thing. She came up and was like, "Move over, I wanna sit!" And so I sat up, and as soon as she sat down, I plopped myself right across her lap. No motive or anything, I was just really comfy.

But she said, "You're awfully trusting. Are you sure you wanna lay in my lap, now that you know what I am?"

To which I promptly replied, "I don't care. You know I don't swing that way, and you're my friend."

A few weeks later, while on a trip to a college campus, she asked me if I wanted to start a GSA with her. The idea appealed to me, but I dutifully said, "I can't. I am okay with you being whoever you want to be, but I can't be part of something that supports homosexuality."

Zinger, right? I told my mom about the conversation, and she was very congratulatory on how I handled it. Ugh. I wish more than anything that I could go back in time and say, "Yes, I absolutely will." Even if I was there only as a "straight" ally, it would have been good for me to have that exposure. It would have made college so much less painful. It would have made coming out so much less painful. It would make the prospect of coming out to my family much less painful, because maybe they would already have some idea.

Sometimes, I feel like maybe she was fishing me out. I don't think she ever had a crush on me, but maybe she saw a kindred spirit, and wanted to offer her support. Or maybe she needed my support. I don't think she ever got much flak for being bisexual (then again, she continued to date guys while in high school), but maybe she did and I just didn't know it.

Then, another time, my sophomore year, there was a girl who sat next to me in history class. She ran with a very different crowd than I did, but even with that, there was something different about her. She dressed in baggy shirts and baggy jeans, much like I did. She didn't wear makeup or do her hair. Much like myself. She was a feminist. I...didn't think of myself that way, but yeah, I was all about grrrl power.

We talked a lot, got to be decent friends. We bonded over a few favorite actresses: Miranda Otto and Hilary Swank, namely.

She lent me a movie with Hilary Swank, called Iron Jawed Angels. It's a massive grrrrl power feminist movie about women winning the right to vote. And I LOVED it.

Then, she started telling me about this other movie Hilary Swank was in that was simply amazing. It was about this girl who lived like a guy and got a girlfriend and there was this sex scene and it was just a really good movie. I was curious, but knew I could never sneak it past my parents. I did ask how the girlfriend in the movie was fooled into thinking Hilary Swank was a guy, especially after the sex scene. My friend explained to me that she used a dildo, and that she didn't get undressed for it.

Being the naive Mormon that I was, I was still a little confused, but trusted that my friend knew what she was talking about. But I had to refuse the movie, sadly.

We grew apart after that.

Looking back on things, I am 90% sure that she was a lesbian and was trying to feel me out, and when I rejected that movie, she interpreted it to mean that I was Not Interested and Didn't Swing That Way.

So, to wherever you are in the world, old friend, I am truly sorry. If I could go back in time, I would.

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